The Bigger They Are...

8==D

How was it then that I came to find myself duct taped naked to the flag pole in the center of campus early one morning, my Calvin's flying high overhead, and just my Golden Boy hands clamped protectively over my junk?

8==D

Chapter One- The Bigger They Are...

As if it wasn't fucking bad enough that I was adhered to a pole like a pig on a spit, but I was realizing a horrifying fact: the UF campus was coming to life as the sun rose higher in the sky. At first there were just a few students moving through the open space of Reitz Union; a few of them didn't even notice me trapped there. I almost convinced myself that it was all a really fucked up dream. Then my ass would fall asleep or the silver tape would tug on my leg hair reminding me that this was my reality. No, not my reality, but Eddiekins’ reality. My reality was that of The Golden Boy Cullen, but that guy had apparently stayed behind in Forks, Washington while this other pussy, "Eddiekins," had moved to the swamps of Florida.

Somehow, my perfect, plushy life had evaporated, adding to the thick humidity that hung in the air. The life I now claimed was a mere shell of the old, and with the new one came a new name, Eddiekins. I hated that fucking name. Cullen, Edward, or Golden Boy were the only accepted monikers, with the occasional "son" or "Number 22," the last being my jersey number all four years I was on the varsity team. All other attempts at nicknames were met with the death stare, and if the offense was serious enough, an ass whipping. But it would seem the death stare was back in Forks with my old life. And my fucking pride.

It was inevitable that more eyes would fall on my bare ass as the "Green Banana" filled with more students. The catcalls started, as did the snickers which were accompanied by pointing and clicks of camera phones.

"What do we have here? Could this be THE Golden Boy, Eddiekins Cullen? Whattcha doin' flappin' in the wind, pretty boy?" Nice. I had wondered when the fuckers were gonna show up. I figured it was only a matter of time before they did. No way in hell they'd miss the opportunity to gloat over humiliating me. So much for team spirit and camaraderie and shit. The big ass knob gobblers who woke me from a dead sleep, dragged me down here, and stripped me naked were my own team mates and future frat brothers. Knowing the asstards would show and them actually showing were two different things. I wasn't sure which was worse, the anticipation of the humiliation or the actual humiliation itself. A rather large crowd was gathering round us, and I was beginning to feel a little claustrophobic.

Stop your whining, pussy! If we're surrounded by people then there's at least some semblance of privacy, right? Our ass isn't out in the open anymore.

Kinda. But that's a messed up way of looking at this shit, dude, I answered the voice that had taken up residency in my head.

It's a fucking hot ass, though, if I do say so myself.

Why, thank you, self.

I was so screwed up that I was talking to myself, and answering back. If I kept this up, I was gonna need to name the fucker.

"Wow, you a little cold there, Eddiekins?" Ben, the short fucker with a tiny pecker, had the nerve to ask me as he crouched down to get a better view of my exposed plumbing. I was more than a little creeped out that he took such an interest in my package. I shuffled away from him as best as I could, cupping myself a bit tighter. The tape pulled at the hair on my arms and legs.

This shit is gonna hurt like a mother fucker when they finally cut me lose. I'm gonna have bald spots in weird ass places. I hope like hell it grows back.

This time last year I was king of the hill, now I wasn't king of a pile of shit. In an attempt to block out the fuckton of humiliation I went all Wayne and Garth wavy flashback to my happy place.

FML, the less fucked up of the two voices asked. When did Forks High become my fucking happy place? End it all, NOW!

Instead I was transported back to halls of FHS, and the glory I'd left there....

I walked down the wide hallways, crammed with students rummaging through their lockers and rushing to get to their next class. Even the late ones paused to nod, wave or call out to me as I passed by. No one missed the chance to be noticed by Edward Cullen.

"Awesome win, Cullen!"

"You guys rocked the field yesterday, man," a random voice called from the crowd.

"Hey, Edward, how about I take you into the janitor's closet and properly congratulate you?"

"Uh, no thank,. Mike. I fuck the chicks, remember?" His face fell as I received fist bumps and claps on the back from the general population surrounding me.

As I turned away from his disappointed gaze I ran right into a soft body and reach out to steady whoever it was that was standing too close. Lauren Mallory.

"True, 22. So want me to step in there with ya? I can give you a satisfactory 'atta boy' in half as many minutes as your jersey number." While the promise of a little head was tempting, I had class to get to. One didn't get to be Salutatorian by showing up late for class 'cause they were blowing their load down some chick's throat.

"Maybe later, Lauren. But thanks for the offer. Whatcha doing the first 11 minutes of lunch?"

"You, apparently."

"It's a date."

8=D

I was jerked back to reality by my balls when suddenly I felt something wet explode against my bare chest.

Great. It wasn't enough that I was naked if front of the entire student body of UF, now I was getting pelted with water balloons, too.

Those aren't balloons, Sandra Dee. They're condoms, filled with water and shaving cream. Ever seen a prophylactic before? I really didn’t like this inner voice. He sounded eerily like William Shatner.

Shut the fuck up, prick! You know damn well I have! More times than I can count! But if I never see another one after this it will be too soon! I snapped at Captain Kirk’s voice.

The sting from a second and third condom bomb slammed into me, knocking the wind and the internal dialogue right out of me.

"What the hell are you dumb shits up to now?" A female voice broke through the crowd just as a stunning mass of blond hair parted the masses. "What the fuck? Emmett McCarty! What the hell have you done to that poor kid now?"

Enter Rosalie Hale. Blond, blue eyed, beautiful bombshell to the rescue. All eyes mercifully left my pathetic form to ogle hers. She was a vision in tiny denim shorts and a pink UF tank top. There was glitter or some shit on it 'cause the sun would bounce of her tits and blind me every time she turned. Yeah, even in the state I was in I was checking out her rack. I was a warm blooded male, we take every opportunity life throws at us to eye fuck a hot piece of ass. Stop judging me. If you had a dick you'd know what I'm talking about. I'd tried to tap that ass when I first arrived on campus but she wouldn't give me the time of day. Hell, she was a Junior and I was "fresh meat," but that never was a problem for me before. Like I mentioned earlier, I was accustomed to anything with a pulse that walked on two legs being more than willing to accommodate my "needs." So when Rosie said, "Thanks, but no thanks, little fucker," I should have had an inkling that was the beginning of the end.

Anyway, back to me naked and taped to a damn pole.

So, Rose busted through and started bitching out the ringleader of the whole shitfest: Emmett. The color drained from the mountain of a man, his face turning a sallow white. He knew an ass kicking when he saw it coming. I have to admit that while I was grateful that she was standing up for me, I was fucking embarrassed that she had to defend me at all. If I didn't look like a pussy before, I sure as hell did now. To make a suck ass situation suck even more: I had to piss like a race horse. I had half a mind to let a golden shower rain down on all those sons of bitches! But something told me that wouldn't help me, at all.

I heard Rose tear into Emmett with all her claws, "What the hell are you thinking?" She whacked him upside the back of the head, "You know you and these asstards you call 'brothers' are under judicial sanction! If you get tied to this stupid ass prank then not only will you be suspended from the team, but the fraternity could be suspended as well! You have to use that thick ass skull of yours for more than bashing the hell out of quarterbacks, Em!"

"Dammit, Rosie! Could you be anymore of a fucking killjoy? We're just havin' a little fun, right, Eddiekins?" “Em” didn't sound the least bit admonished.

"Yeah, fun. Bring out the fucking clowns." I answered him. Hell, at this point, if I couldn't afford a little snark then when the fuck could I? I heard the sick sound of tape ripping before I felt it. It's what I imagine a victim of a car accident experiences just before the pain of their face smashing against the windshield registers. I almost passed the hell out once I did feel it, though. "Fuuuuuuuuucccccccck! Dammit, that sucks monkey cock!"

"Sorry, Eddie," came Rose's sincere apology. I panted, trying desperately to catch my breath and not cry like a pussy.

"Dammit, Rose! You couldn't have just cut the tape? I'm gonna need a fucking skin graft!"

"I said I was sorry! Would you rather me leave your sorry ass mounted to the flag pole until maintenance comes by? 'Cause I could and I will. I'm just trying to help here."

"No," Emmett whined, "You're trying to suck the life out of our parade, like always!"

"Shut it, shit for brains. You don't get a say here. I just bet this was your brilliant scheme, and if you get the Dee-Gees in trouble with this retarded move of yours, I will personally chop off your nuts, saute them in butter, and feed them to you bite by bite. How the hell did the Delta Gammas get sistered with the likes of you Neanderthal Delts?

"Cut the hazing shit, Em, and stop picking on little freshmen. It doesn't make you a bigger man, just a bigger prick!"

With that, she finished cutting me free and tossed me my boxer briefs that some kind soul had reeled down from where it had flown in place of the flag. I slipped the thin fabric on as quickly as I could, not caring at this point who saw my junk. Some other guy tossed me a t-shirt from his backpack. I recognized him as a fellow Delta Tau Delta pledge. I thanked him and promised I'd get the shirt back to him as soon as possible.

"This is why I won't go out with you, you dolt! Just think about that while you're romancing your right hand this Saturday night." With that she stormed back the way she came. But we clearly heard her as she spat out, "And I hope you and your hairy palm go blind!"

I took the opportunity to skulk away as the crowd watched her spectacular ass move to where ever she was headed before she happened upon our little gathering. Ducking between buildings and behind trees, I managed to make it back to my dorm with just a few odd looks and disgusted glares from passersby.

I immediately jumped in the shower to try to wash away the tape that was still stuck to my body as gently as possible. After ten minutes of soaping and pealing I just gave the fuck up and firmly grasped the silver tail and ripped. I imagine my pansy ass scream could be heard clear across campus.

My how the mighty hath fallen.

8==D

Prologue Chapter 2